No Light
by DetectiveMcGeek
Summary: Continuation of 3x14, No Rizzles. All he could do was offer her some sweet words, sleep next to her in her bed… all of which was supposed to be Maura's job. It was always what Maura did when Jane felt down. She was the one who was there for Jane.


**In light of 3x14, I have decided to write a little continuation. It's not pretty.**

* * *

After sitting on the stoop for an hour Maura was able to usher Jane inside her apartment. It took a lot more effort than it should have, but Maura was trying to understand, for Jane's sake. She was trying to understand why Jane was falling apart over a man who has come into and left her life so many times. She couldn't keep count. There were the times in high school, and Maura wasn't sure about how many times he might have left Jane in the middle of that high school hallway, staring after him, since he apparently never "gave her the time of day until senior week". There was his first return back to Boston when she knew Jane, right after her shooting.

All he could do was offer her some sweet words, sleep next to her in her bed… all of which was supposed to be Maura's job.

It was always what Maura did when Jane felt down. She was the one who was there for Jane.

Casey left after that case too, and Maura had to walk in on that last kiss in the bullpen, watch as the goofy smile on Jane's face faded into a realization Casey was leaving Boston… again. She felt a little sorry for her then, because she'd never seen Jane be so… not Jane.

The Jane she knew was tough. She broke hard criminals in the interrogation room just with her words. She had the body for a model but the physical presence of a warrior. She was sarcastic and mean, and she was straightforward while being illusive. She took two scalpels into her hand and then got back up again, and faced him _again_ and _won._ The Jane she knew didn't fall apart.

Now, however, as Maura was helping Jane hang up her jacket, helping Jane stand… the Jane standing in front of her was merely a shell. A broken shell of a woman she didn't even know was falling in the first place.

Maura paused for a moment, Jane's jacket in her hand. She looked around Jane's bedroom, the familiar bedroom she'd been in so many times. She set up Jane on dates here, helped her build a lesbian persona, raided her closet, _comforted _her. Why didn't Jane ever mention Casey?

Maura suddenly felt angry, more angry than she'd been in a long time. Was she Jane's best friend? Yes, Jane has said so multiple times. Jane was Maura's best friend, Maura was Jane's best friend. Jane protected Maura from physical pain and Maura protected Jane from… emotional pain. Jane would come to her with everything; her frustration, anger, worry, and sometimes happiness. But Jane wasn't happy very much anymore.

Jane would come to her with all these negative emotions and expect Maura to fix them for her.

Maura clenched her fist, opening Jane's closet with a little more force than necessary and shoving the jacket on a hanger. She closed the door and took a deep breath.

Of course she would fix Jane's emotions for her, she cared too much _for _her. Maura wanted to be the one to bring happiness back to Jane, to take away the worry, the pain, the anger, and frustration that came with the job and her daily life. Maura did that very well.

She would hug Jane until her arms were sore, she would keep the detective's body cuddled close to her own because that's what Jane needed. She came to Maura for that reason; comfort.

She came to Maura for friendship, companionship, comfort. Maura trusted Jane with what she was feeling. She always told Jane the truth, because Jane could somehow see when she was hiding things. Jane knew Maura better than anyone ever had. Maura would come to Jane for friendship, companionship, and comfort as well.

When Constance was in the accident, she called Jane. When her biological mother came and left, Jane was the one to comfort her. Korsak even told her after getting her out of the car that Jane said she wouldn't leave her.

_I wouldn't leave her._

Those were her exact words. Maura couldn't help but feel a flutter in her chest as she thought of Jane, and all their fighting, that everything they had gone through before, every time they faced danger together, every time they were ever happy together, still meant something enough to Jane that she wouldn't leave Maura.

Maura shared everything with Jane. She was able to tell Jane about how much she "loved" Ian and Garret, even though the time for those relationships have come and gone. She was able to talk to Jane about love, about how she felt.

And she felt a stab in the heart that Jane couldn't share the same kind of information with her.

She obviously loves Casey, but how? He was never around. He was never mentioned. When he was here, he was all Jane would talk about, but as soon as she went a few days without seeing him, it was almost as if he didn't exist. And now she loves him. Maura had been here the entire time and couldn't believe Jane never confided in her. Maura had been there this entire time.

The woman she loves is falling apart over a man who doesn't love her enough to stay. He doesn't love her like Maura loves her. Casey doesn't deserve her.

Maura swallowed down the bitterness as she went back out to the living room, where Jane was slumped over in the couch.

Everything looked the same, but everything was so different. This all belonged to _her _Jane, not this Jane.

"Jane," Maura said, breaking the silence that had been cast over them for over an hour. She walked over to the broken woman on the couch. She could hear Jane's breathing, fast and steady, just like Jane's heart. She sat down next to Jane and put a hand on Jane's upper back, rubbing slow circles between her shoulder blades, even more pronounced with her hunched position. Jane's hands were clasped on her knees, thumbs scratching over rough knuckles. "Jane, look at me."

Jane tilted her head up and looked at Maura, the weariness evident in her sunken eyes.

Jane looked so broken and it made Maura want to cry.

But she had to be strong for Jane, because she was always strong for Jane. When Jane needed her, she was strong for Jane because she loved Jane.

She kept repeating that to herself. She loved Jane, be strong for Jane.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Maura asked softly. She should have asked this question long ago, and now was no better time to ask than yesterday, or the day before, but she had to know. She deserved an answer.

Jane shrugged.

"Don't do that to me, Jane." Maura gently scolded. "Please?" Maura was desperate to know why Jane wouldn't confide in her the true feelings she held for Casey.

Jane looked back down at her hands and Maura sighed. She had to keep the bite out of her voice.

"Why didn't you tell me how you felt about Casey? All that time…" Maura asked, trying to explain how she felt so taken by surprise when Jane showed up looking as lovestruck and broken as ever. How she was so surprised to find out how truly and deeply Jane cared for this man that she never once mentioned out of his occasional visits. How hurt she had been when Jane was more agitated than ever when she was around Casey and took it out on Maura. How hurt she was every single time Casey even showed his face. "If you won't tell me why you… didn't tell me, then let me tell you what I have been thinking for the past three days."

Maura took a deep breath before continuing, removing her hand from Jane's back and folding her hands in her lap, turning her body away from Jane.

"I was hurt. I was hurt for you because I could see exactly what having Casey here was doing to you. I was hurt because I could see exactly how tortured you felt when you couldn't help him. I was hurt because that is exactly how I feel right now. I feel like I can't help you, Jane.

"I was hurt because you… you never told me how you felt. You love Casey, Jane, and why couldn't you tell this to me? I told you about Garret and Ian and I thought we were friends enough for you to do the same but I guess I was wrong-"

"Maura, you _are _my friend," Jane said, looking up at Maura. The first words she'd said in an hour.

"But not friend enough for you to tell me you were falling for Casey."

"You are my _best _friend, Maura. I'm sorry, I should have told you."

"But why didn't you?"

"I was scared!"

"Scared of what, Jane? Tell me, please."

"I was scared that… it would make me seem weak. I was afraid that you would think I was stupid, to hold on to Casey for this long. I liked him since high school, Maura. You might not understand, with your fancy boarding school-"

"Jane, my education has nothing to do with having feelings."

"But you never fell for the guy you went to high school with! I grew up with Casey, I knew him since we were on the same ice hockey league in third grade! I knew him when he was the first kid in the neighborhood to learn to drive and I was the dorky teenager who had a crush on Mr. Popular. I… I didn't know how to explain all of that!"

"But you could have tried…"

"No, it's not that simple, Maura! God," Jane muttered, putting her face in her hands. "I love him, and he won't let me."

Maura's stomach twisted. How could anyone not let Jane Rizzoli love them? How could anyone pass up the opportunity to be loved by such an amazing woman, such a caring woman, such a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman?

"Well then he's the fool."

"Don't say that."

"It's true!" Maura almost shouted. She took a moment to lower her voice. "It's true. He's a fool and he doesn't deserve that."

"No, Maura, he's not. He's just…"

"Just what, Jane? Hmm?" Maura could feel the anger bubbling up again. "Just leaving, again? Just placing himself out of your life _again? _Cutting you out _again?_" Maura sprang up from the couch. "Jane, I don't understand!"

Jane sprang up from the couch, matching Maura's height.

"Of course you don't, you're a fucking robot!"

Maura paused, her eyes widening at Jane's words. For a moment, her mind went completely blank and her mouth fell open in a startled "oh". She wouldn't have believed Jane said those words except… she did. She screamed them at Maura.

"Maura, I don't mean that, I'm so sorry," Jane said, realizing what she said. Her face shifted immediately from anger to regret as she reached forward to grab Maura's arm, but Maura stepped back, out of Jane's reach.

"Don't." Maura said, her voice low. A warning.

"Maura-"

"No, Jane." Maura took a deep breath. She didn't know what she could say now. Jane's words rang true. She _was _a robot, an emotionless soul, walking around and cutting up dead bodies for a living. She kept people at a distance and couldn't find it in her to care. She loved the name and reputation and the martyr-like qualities of the men before Jane but never fell in love with the soul. Until she met Jane.

Jane changed everything about her. She was so different now, than she was five years ago. She hugged, cried, loved more than she thought possible.

Maura jaw clenched and unclenched and her eyes dropped to the floor, to the wall, any place to keep from looking at Jane for just one more moment.

"I'm not a robot."

"I know," Jane said, nodding, trying to soothe Maura down from the angry place both women knew she was in. Jane regretted her words immediately after she said it but she couldn't take it back.

"I…" Maura took a deep breath, steadying her tone. "All this time, Jane. You could have told me you were in love with him. I could have been there for you, because I have _always _been there for you. I was always there for you; I was the shoulder you could lay your head on after a rough day at work. I was there to sit on the couch under a blanket and eat and drink and joke until you forgot all about what was causing you worry. Maybe you didn't forget, I don't know anymore, but I never forgot, Jane. I never forget.

"I will never forget the moment I realize Hoyt had you again. I would have done almost anything to get you back, but you returned safely, with only a cut and a burn. But you were safe, and alive. I will never forget the moment you shot yourself, and me, pushing through headquarter doors to get to you and make sure you didn't bleed out right there on the sidewalk. I will not forget meeting Casey the first time, realizing you two had a history and trying to keep a safe distance to let you be free and happy. I will not forget him _leaving _either, and me, _being _there for you and try to get that smile back on your face because, God, your smile.

"I will never forget being taken hostage by Hoyt and hearing you struggling to get to me because, even though I was temporarily paralyzed and he was cutting into my neck, I felt safe." Tears formed in Maura's eyes and a few drops leaked out. "I knew you were going to keep me safe, Jane. I _knew _it. And after, I won't forget giving you those racecar lessons because suddenly, that smile was back.

"I will not forget the look on your face when Casey told you he couldn't come to the reunion. Somehow, you managed to stash that away and make another joke, and I thought you were fine. I had no idea the depth of your feelings then, Jane, because you seemed fine, and I, so stupidly, _assumed _you were fine.

"I won't forget Casey coming in again and walking you home that night after you spoke with him. I didn't pry, I just wanted to help you feel better because that's what a best friend should do. I watched for days while you tried to get over him, and days passed, and eventually you were your old self again. You were the Jane Rizzoli I knew. You seemed to let him go, like you let Dean go. But still, I had no idea of the depth of your feelings for him.

"I won't forget when you helped me feel better when I told Hope about my relation to her. You made me laugh and helped me get past it, and I let it go because I knew you could just do that. You _could _help me feel better. I let you see that broken part of me and you put it back together, like I believed you would.

"I won't forget when you were kidnapped, Jane, but that seems to not be on your mind as much as _Casey_-" Maura spat his name, not caring about the tears now falling freely down her cheeks, "nowadays. Do you remember that, Jane? You were tied to a replica of your bed by a maniac and all I could do was wait in the bullpen for Frost and Korsak to bring you back to me. I was so scared, Jane, because I couldn't do anything to help! Did you know he threw acid in his previous interest's face? I had no idea what kind of time we had before the same thing happened to you and that smile would be erased from your face forever. I just had to sit here and _watch._

"And I remember when you told me about your fantasy wedding and I thought _finally, Jane is going to open up about her love life." _Maura scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Stupid of me to think that, right?"

"You're not stupid," Jane tried to say, but Maura cut her off.

"You described your fantasy wedding and I laid there with you and smiled because I knew that someday I would be a part of that wedding with you. I thought I was going to be there on what would be the happiest day of your life and then… And you say _maybe."_

Jane suddenly regretted her choice of words then too.

"You walk around like you're so tough but you're not. You are a brilliant detective, Jane, but I don't understand how you could be so _blind?_ How could you walk around every day, knowing that I have been here for you through _everything _and still fall so desperately in love with Casey? He _left _Jane, and he will keep on leaving. I have been here, Jane. I have been here and I don't see how you _haven't _seen! How have you not seen how much your love for him is hurting _me. _I'm happy for you, Jane, I really am, but I can't keep seeing you get hurt! And I'm not even so offended that you never told me about your feelings for him, but don't you dare call me a robot Jane. Don't you dare tell me I don't feel anything because I feel _everything. _Jane, you beautiful, arrogant, stupid, amazing woman, I love you. I am so in love with you."

Maura didn't pause to register the shock on Jane's face before continuing on.

"I am in love with you and it kills me to see you hurt like this. I am in love with the woman you are when you are not breaking apart due to a man who does not deserve you! He doesn't stay in your life more than a few days and he keeps leaving! I have been here! I have always been here! Don't you see? You can't keep falling apart over him because I am _here. _Him leaving is breaking me apart as much as it is breaking you apart and you don't see it! You are too in love with him, Jane, and I can't take it anymore! I am so tired of watching you do this to yourself!"

Maura had to pause, her sobs and shouting expelling all the oxygen from her lungs. Her throat was raw from shouting and the tears made salty tracks down her face.

"I love you, Jane."

There was a silence between them, filled with Maura's ragged breathing and Jane's short, shocked breaths.

"You don't mean that," Jane said, trailing off.

"Yes, I do Jane! I love you!" Maura cried, trying hard not stamp her foot, fall to her knees and wrap her arms around herself.

"I… I don't-" Jane began.

"Don't, Jane. Unless it is to return the sentiment, please don't say anything."

"Maur, I _do _love you, but I'm not in love with you. You're my best friend."

Maura closed her eyes and looked upward, the tears falling out of the corners of her eyes.

"I can't do this anymore, Jane."

"Maur-"

"I can't watch you break because of this man." Maura didn't want to put a name to the man who was tearing her apart, by tearing Jane apart.

"Maura, please-"

"You're not in love with me." Maura said, not opening her eyes. Her face burned with anger and despair and embarrassment, not believing she screamed her deepest secret at Jane in the heat of an argument. She fought back more sobs as they came bubbling up in her chest.

"No."

"Say it."

Jane paused, looking at Maura, her heart breaking for the woman in front of her, for having to say this to her.

"I'm not in love with you."

Maura nodded, barely a movement. She looked down at the ground and then back up at Jane, willing the tears to stop flowing but being unsuccessful.

"I think… I think I'm going to go home."

Maura walked past Jane, hearing no words of protest from Jane. She opened Jane's front door and paused for one second, her head tilted down on the door, waiting, listening to hear if Jane would call out her name to stop her. Tell her to come back, tell her to not leave, tell her that Maura didn't just ruin the best thing in her life. Tell her they are friends still, tell her to come sit on the couch so they can talk it out, tell her a joke. Tell her everything was going to be okay, tell her she understands, tell her all is forgiven.

No sound came.


End file.
